Soooooo.. haha

Oh how far life takes you in but a short while. Life is amazing. I have not been on here because I have been in pure bliss.. I cant believe my son is almost 4. Aaaaaaahhhhhh.. I have wondered about a few dear friends of mine on here. And I have fallen short in keeping up with them as life took its course. But i hope they have known deep down that they have stayed on my mind. Isnt it funny that life is so screwed up and perfect all in the same way. Instances that are only in fantasy happening to you.... happening to people you love. Whether it be a wonderful fantasy or a horrible fantasy.. it all amazes me. Of course it causes other emotions as well.. But amazement of life is where i am right now. Good, bad, ugly.... I feel, for the first time, in tune with who i am. I have gone thru so many changes. Physical and emotional. And I am where i want to be. And I thank everyone along that way. Assholes and saints alike! I love you all LOL

I get off on you...

I am amazingly settled in life. Happy to be where I am. And Looking forward to where I am going. I have realized that it is OK if people do not love the way I love, or care the way I care. Some people Just are not like me. And I need to stop expecting them to be. It was a rough day the other day. I went to the doc and I am not doing so well. I didn't feel well, and the doctor confirmed that I shouldn't be feeling well. So now with a few things lined up I am sitting and waiting to find out what can be done. In that light I have realized that I need to learn a lot of things in life. I have a lot to do. And It is not to sit back and pine over someone or something in life that does not have time for me or does not care for me. If you are struggling with something in your life or someone, and it cant give you what you need, then you shouldn't give it part of you. And that is hard for me to realize. Some things are not meant to be conquered. Some people are not meant to be in your life. And Some time is always going to be lost wishing things were different. But once you lose enough time, you will wake up and realize that it is all OK. You are not dead. You lived past it. And Life goes on in an amazing way. People are so afraid of change and rejection. Me, being one of those people. And it hurts when you see you are wrong. It will. And then it won't. Miraculously, you will get past it. And it will even get better. Because the right things for you are always better than the wrong. I have met some amazing people on this forum. Who have molded my way of thinking and always inspired me. Some are gone, some are still here. But either way, it does not change the way they affected me. The imprint on my soul. I love you!

Need a change from this burn out scene...

So I have been living life so well.. I had a trip to atlanta the other week... Just an overnight trip. And it was so fun. I need a break. Ended up going to Dave and Buster's. For those who do not know what that is, let me explain. It is a huge arcade game that any kid or adult child can get lost in. I love arcade games. I love shoot em up games lol. And the typical ones. I kick butt at air hockey and Pac Man. lol. I spent 40 dollars there alone lol. I know I am a geek. Then I went back to the hotel and got a little rest so I could come back for the knight's festivities.Literally! I went to a place called Medieval times. Oh yes. I want to live back in those times. It was amazing. Had a great meal, pretty good entertainment (i am a critic when it comes to reenactment and acting :) ), and a got a flower !!! woot woot!

 This Was my red and yellow night. I was in his section. So I cheered for him. :) He was a pretty good actor and strong in his fighting. (I am a nerd LOL)

 This was the black and white knight. I just love those colors so I had to take a pic!

And here was my flower that he threw me... I think it was because I was cheering so loud for him to win. :) I was so excited. I like flowers.. :)

 I truly do love atlanta. Its my second hometown. I also did a little shopping. Tried to keep that to a minumum because I hate it. But I tried. And now I get to back tomorrow and stay another night. And I am uber excited again. I am going to the American Idol Concert. Just hope noone lip sings. That irritates me. And I get to feel like I can breathe. I love driving. Turning up the music and losing myself, feeling the wind in my hair (whether the window is down or the A/C is on so high). I will take pics of this adventure and post them as well :)  Why do I feel so free on the road? From someone has run away before, I know it has a little to do with feeling free. Going to a place where there are less people who know me and do not know who I am inside. So they want to know more or they at least do not judge me for someone they assume me to be. And that is what I hope people understand. That one thing does not make me who I am . And just when you think you know me, you should think again.

I am not going to explain myself to anyone. But for once, I want someone to want things as bad as I did.. I want to feel wanted, and I want to feel safe. And I know and understand that for people in this world, that is asking alot. But I never thought it would be so hard.

Just when you feel like your falling
You learn to fly again on your own.
Just when you think someone is going to catch you,
you land on your feet.
Neither is bad. But it keeps you wanting to feel what falling all the way feels like...
Feeling those arms catch you and hearing the whisper "i have you, you are safe"
Instead of always catching yourself and being alone.
I hope you catch me because I am already falling.
If not I guess I still won't know.

Til next time... Love you all!

All i have is forever ......

So I have been out of the loop for a little bit. I know. And I also know that some may have not noticed, and some may have missed me. But I can honestly say I have missed you guys!!! I hope all is well with everyone. Alot had happened over the course of these past few weeks. Sickness, between me and my little man I think we have had every sickness we could possibly get. Death, a few deaths since my cousin passed. And Even though I have not had too much time to deal with his truly, all of this life happening aruond me I suppose is his way of telling me to not grieve. I did get "let go" of my job. Being out that week, yea that is what did it. They just had to get all the paperwork up to do it. They told me I could reapply in a month and I could have my job back. But I think I am going to enjoy my summer and go back to teaching. I also had someone in my life find time for me through his busy schedule. And although I know slow is the key, he makes me smile along with plenty of other things. I was waiting around to see if things were going to kick off. And now it seems as though waiting and space were what worked for him to come through with his feelings. I am just glad they match mine. :) However, I am as pessimistic as I have ever been about things. I am normally the optimist who always looks for the silver lining. But for me, compared to my normalcy, I am being a pessimist. maybe not to others standards though. I have been really tired lately. This heat is getting to me. And I hope to making a trip for the weekend to see a few people next weekend. And all I can hope is that part of the weekend includes water. Becasue GOODNESS it is hot. This Georgia girl cannot take it anymore. Me and my ex actually had a decent dinner about two weeks ago. We talked about alot of things. We got mad and sad and regretted things we said and then were very sincere in other things. We will make things work. As well as they can I suppose. I wish I could move. But I have too much going on here to move right now. You know it is crazy. I can fall asleep and think about so many things but they never get resolved. My dreams are so much like my life. Just want to live just a little more so I can see everything resolved. And not resolved by my death. But resolved to conclusion about the individual problem. I am trying to get healthier. Both physically and mentally.
I resigned from the play. I got super sick and then realized without any help, it was not possible to do it. It was not possible to spend every night in a play when me and my son need each other. I am happy with my choice. There will be other plays. 
Well this was a very short version of what I had planned on writing. But another one will come soon. Right now my little man is wanting to go play. And he needs his momma, his best friend. :) Life is great.

Hell Yea!

Ok so as some, I think most, of you know I lost a very dear person to me.

This is my cousin, Paul. My sweet, handsome, rough cousin who was always on my side. And he was the type you wanted on your team because he would do anything for you. But if he was against you, well he was a typical redneck. Always drinking when he was out with friends, starting fights at the drop of a hat. He had a drug problem growing up. He has been in and out of rehab. And Life never took him. He was always right there on the edge laughing at death. Probably kicking death's ass. But he always made it through. He has two little boys, a teenage girl, and a son who is not really his but calls him daddy because Paul was so good to him. Paul was getting better. Rehab did it this time. Pulled him off that edge and he stayed off the edge for almost two years. In that two years, he called me every week. He was my escape when there was none. A shoulder to cry on when I was too scared to talk to anyone else. He always said I was different. "A City Girl With a Country Heart". That is what i was to him. He always told me I had the intelligence and talent and beauty to make it in the big city but I would always be the girl people came to and could be themselves and relax. He made me proud of who i was. I have been having a rough time so he was going to take me out on the boat saturday. He left a voice mail before he died. I love you sis! That was the first time he ever called me sis. And He was part of the reason that I was going to be ok. because he was there for me. He was one person I did not have to take care of and our friendship and love was not one sided. He listened. He gave advice. He cared. He did not talk at me. He talked to me. And now, he is gone. People knew him as the epitome of fun and happiness. He did not care what anyone thought or said. He never knocked on a door because he knew where he was welcome. He was amazing. And I will always miss him. It will always be hard. It will always be bad when I see things that remind me of him. But I won't cry. I will laugh and smile and say "Hell Yea" because I know it will be him sending me messages telling me "it's going to be alright sis". I love you Paul!

The preachers at the funeral reminded me that there are only three days we need to worry about:
Yesterday:What was done yesterday cannot be changed or altered in any way. We may have regrets or memories but we can only learn from them. So we are not to live in yesterday.
Tomorrow: We are not guaranteed tomorrow. So if want to say something to someone, we need to do it right now. Today. In this moment. Because..
Today: It's all we have.

Let's Take A Chance

Let’s Take a Chance

Ok so I am back at work. Emotions and sickness have flared last week and this past weekend. I think mucus runs through my veins instead of blood. Disgusting I know… Believe me… And I usually am not so crude but man this is horrible.. But at least it is getting out there. I think I have tried everything in the world to get it to stop hurting. And it is finally working.

I came to work thinking I was going to be fired. Yes…. For being out all week. You are probably asking yourself “who would fire you for being sick? When you work in a hospital in an intensive care unit? FOR BABIES?” Well my work would…. They do not care for what reason, they hate when you are out. Sooooo.. that being said… Instead of being fired, I was given an award. An award for being the most happy, upbeat, and friendly person on staff. WOW…. Me? Well yes… thank you.. thank you very much. I would just like to thank all of my acting coaches throughout my life for they have truly been a great help. HAHAH They like me… They Really Like Me! Ok so now that is over.
You are probably wondering how I came to achieve this award.. I really am a positive person. To a fault I suppose. I can be negative do not get me wrong. But I rarely let people see that. So if you have seen that, consider yourself SPECIAL! That’s a wall that usually comes down after I am comfy. I was surprised that people saw me that way. Surprised and happy that I could make people happy by the way I treat them. It in turn makes me happy.


And now for a survey someone asked me to fill out!!!

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?


I was not named after anyONE. But named after someTHING... That being my birth month. My dad is so creative.lol But my middle name is beautiful and I love it.


2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

Last night. I find it is good to cry. however I choose to do it alone and not around others most of the time.


3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

eh. Its ok. Sometimes i love it and sometimes i hate it


4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?

I love turkey and ham..


5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

I have a wonderful little three year old boy. Tha man of the house. And then I have a niece who practically lives with my and she is 7 :) I have a nephew too, but I do not claim him lol

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?

Yes. I think I am a pretty great friend


7. DO YOU HAVE SIBLINGS?

Yes a brother (the oldest) he is a orthopedic surgeon in augusta, ga. And My sister (who is also older but noone believes it bc she acts like a teenager) who is a stay at home something or another. She says stay at home mom but her kids are in school lol. So I think she is just lazy lol. She is my best friend though.


8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?

Nope. They were taken out when i was five. It is strange but I remember it like it was yesterday. Down to the red wagon they wheeled me back on and the cherry mask that I got to breathe through and waking up thinking my mom had left me when she was just in the play room reading a book. Oh the days...

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?

Not alone.. and I do not think I would period. but who knows.


10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?

Special K with equal sprinkled on top and COLD milk.. yummy.


11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?

I only wear flip flop and crocs.. No ties here. Unless I am working out and then .. NO


12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?

Yes. Physically.


13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?

I do not know. I do not eat it enough to have a fav


14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?

Their smile and the way they walk


15. RED OR PINK?

Red.


16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?

Hmmmm... my thighs lol...


17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?

Right now, my son...


18. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?

Aries


19. DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE PAIR OF SHOES?

Yes, my charcoal gray flip flops


20. FAVORITE MEAL?

Anything mexican or italian !


21. FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC?

Showtunes lol I know I am a nerd. i also LOVE CELTIC music


22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?

Red


23. FAVORITE SMELLS?

Fruity. And the way my son smells.. Even after a dirty day of playing his cheeks still smell like roses to me. Its a mother and son connection.


24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?

Some lady checking in on her baby.


25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?

Both at different parts of the year.


26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?

Football


27. HAIR COLOR?

Blonde


28. EYE COLOR?

Hazel but mostly green


29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?

No. I should for night time.. but i quit wearing them.


30. FAVORITE HEIRLOOM?

None


31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?

Comedies...


32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?

‘Hangover 2'


33. FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING?

My purple sundress


34. SUMMER OR WINTER?

Spring


35. HUGS OR KISSES?

Hugs and Kisses.


36. FAVORITE DESSERT?

Fruit Salad.


37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?

Cardio, I love dancing and aerobics


38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?

Phone


39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?

none..


40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?

Do not have one


42. FAVORITE SOUND?

My son laughing :)


43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?

The Beatles.


44. WHAT IS YOUR DREAM CAR?

Any Car that gets me from point A to Z


45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?

People say it is talking to other people and meeting new people and singing.


46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?

Mars... ok ok ok... thats a lie... egypt


47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?

Georgia


48. WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR?

Not doing things right for my son


49. WHAT BRINGS YOU THE MOST JOY?

Playing around with my son


50. WHAT PIECE OF ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO YOUR YOUNG SELF?

One day at a time!

I lie awake at night and have thoughts on my mind.
Good, bad, dirty, sweet, and all of life.
Why do I trust?
Why do I lean on people?
Why do I mistake for one second that I can be more than what you tell me I am?
Because all that I am to anyone is what they think of me at that moment.
And believe me we all know that can change with the tides.
You're beautiful , your fucking hideous.
You're lovely, go away.
I want you, you are a disease.
I need you, you suffocate me.
You are special, just like all the rest.
You're intelligent, can you get me a cup of tea?
I am who you say I am. Nothing more. Nothing less. But thank God that's not all I am. Now leave me the hell alone.