Hell Yea!

Ok so as some, I think most, of you know I lost a very dear person to me.

This is my cousin, Paul. My sweet, handsome, rough cousin who was always on my side. And he was the type you wanted on your team because he would do anything for you. But if he was against you, well he was a typical redneck. Always drinking when he was out with friends, starting fights at the drop of a hat. He had a drug problem growing up. He has been in and out of rehab. And Life never took him. He was always right there on the edge laughing at death. Probably kicking death's ass. But he always made it through. He has two little boys, a teenage girl, and a son who is not really his but calls him daddy because Paul was so good to him. Paul was getting better. Rehab did it this time. Pulled him off that edge and he stayed off the edge for almost two years. In that two years, he called me every week. He was my escape when there was none. A shoulder to cry on when I was too scared to talk to anyone else. He always said I was different. "A City Girl With a Country Heart". That is what i was to him. He always told me I had the intelligence and talent and beauty to make it in the big city but I would always be the girl people came to and could be themselves and relax. He made me proud of who i was. I have been having a rough time so he was going to take me out on the boat saturday. He left a voice mail before he died. I love you sis! That was the first time he ever called me sis. And He was part of the reason that I was going to be ok. because he was there for me. He was one person I did not have to take care of and our friendship and love was not one sided. He listened. He gave advice. He cared. He did not talk at me. He talked to me. And now, he is gone. People knew him as the epitome of fun and happiness. He did not care what anyone thought or said. He never knocked on a door because he knew where he was welcome. He was amazing. And I will always miss him. It will always be hard. It will always be bad when I see things that remind me of him. But I won't cry. I will laugh and smile and say "Hell Yea" because I know it will be him sending me messages telling me "it's going to be alright sis". I love you Paul!

The preachers at the funeral reminded me that there are only three days we need to worry about:
Yesterday:What was done yesterday cannot be changed or altered in any way. We may have regrets or memories but we can only learn from them. So we are not to live in yesterday.
Tomorrow: We are not guaranteed tomorrow. So if want to say something to someone, we need to do it right now. Today. In this moment. Because..
Today: It's all we have.

Let's Take A Chance

Let’s Take a Chance

Ok so I am back at work. Emotions and sickness have flared last week and this past weekend. I think mucus runs through my veins instead of blood. Disgusting I know… Believe me… And I usually am not so crude but man this is horrible.. But at least it is getting out there. I think I have tried everything in the world to get it to stop hurting. And it is finally working.

I came to work thinking I was going to be fired. Yes…. For being out all week. You are probably asking yourself “who would fire you for being sick? When you work in a hospital in an intensive care unit? FOR BABIES?” Well my work would…. They do not care for what reason, they hate when you are out. Sooooo.. that being said… Instead of being fired, I was given an award. An award for being the most happy, upbeat, and friendly person on staff. WOW…. Me? Well yes… thank you.. thank you very much. I would just like to thank all of my acting coaches throughout my life for they have truly been a great help. HAHAH They like me… They Really Like Me! Ok so now that is over.
You are probably wondering how I came to achieve this award.. I really am a positive person. To a fault I suppose. I can be negative do not get me wrong. But I rarely let people see that. So if you have seen that, consider yourself SPECIAL! That’s a wall that usually comes down after I am comfy. I was surprised that people saw me that way. Surprised and happy that I could make people happy by the way I treat them. It in turn makes me happy.


And now for a survey someone asked me to fill out!!!

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?


I was not named after anyONE. But named after someTHING... That being my birth month. My dad is so creative.lol But my middle name is beautiful and I love it.


2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

Last night. I find it is good to cry. however I choose to do it alone and not around others most of the time.


3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

eh. Its ok. Sometimes i love it and sometimes i hate it


4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?

I love turkey and ham..


5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

I have a wonderful little three year old boy. Tha man of the house. And then I have a niece who practically lives with my and she is 7 :) I have a nephew too, but I do not claim him lol

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?

Yes. I think I am a pretty great friend


7. DO YOU HAVE SIBLINGS?

Yes a brother (the oldest) he is a orthopedic surgeon in augusta, ga. And My sister (who is also older but noone believes it bc she acts like a teenager) who is a stay at home something or another. She says stay at home mom but her kids are in school lol. So I think she is just lazy lol. She is my best friend though.


8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?

Nope. They were taken out when i was five. It is strange but I remember it like it was yesterday. Down to the red wagon they wheeled me back on and the cherry mask that I got to breathe through and waking up thinking my mom had left me when she was just in the play room reading a book. Oh the days...

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?

Not alone.. and I do not think I would period. but who knows.


10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?

Special K with equal sprinkled on top and COLD milk.. yummy.


11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?

I only wear flip flop and crocs.. No ties here. Unless I am working out and then .. NO


12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?

Yes. Physically.


13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?

I do not know. I do not eat it enough to have a fav


14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?

Their smile and the way they walk


15. RED OR PINK?

Red.


16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?

Hmmmm... my thighs lol...


17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?

Right now, my son...


18. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?

Aries


19. DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE PAIR OF SHOES?

Yes, my charcoal gray flip flops


20. FAVORITE MEAL?

Anything mexican or italian !


21. FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC?

Showtunes lol I know I am a nerd. i also LOVE CELTIC music


22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?

Red


23. FAVORITE SMELLS?

Fruity. And the way my son smells.. Even after a dirty day of playing his cheeks still smell like roses to me. Its a mother and son connection.


24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?

Some lady checking in on her baby.


25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?

Both at different parts of the year.


26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?

Football


27. HAIR COLOR?

Blonde


28. EYE COLOR?

Hazel but mostly green


29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?

No. I should for night time.. but i quit wearing them.


30. FAVORITE HEIRLOOM?

None


31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?

Comedies...


32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?

‘Hangover 2'


33. FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING?

My purple sundress


34. SUMMER OR WINTER?

Spring


35. HUGS OR KISSES?

Hugs and Kisses.


36. FAVORITE DESSERT?

Fruit Salad.


37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?

Cardio, I love dancing and aerobics


38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?

Phone


39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?

none..


40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?

Do not have one


42. FAVORITE SOUND?

My son laughing :)


43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?

The Beatles.


44. WHAT IS YOUR DREAM CAR?

Any Car that gets me from point A to Z


45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?

People say it is talking to other people and meeting new people and singing.


46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?

Mars... ok ok ok... thats a lie... egypt


47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?

Georgia


48. WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR?

Not doing things right for my son


49. WHAT BRINGS YOU THE MOST JOY?

Playing around with my son


50. WHAT PIECE OF ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO YOUR YOUNG SELF?

One day at a time!

I lie awake at night and have thoughts on my mind.
Good, bad, dirty, sweet, and all of life.
Why do I trust?
Why do I lean on people?
Why do I mistake for one second that I can be more than what you tell me I am?
Because all that I am to anyone is what they think of me at that moment.
And believe me we all know that can change with the tides.
You're beautiful , your fucking hideous.
You're lovely, go away.
I want you, you are a disease.
I need you, you suffocate me.
You are special, just like all the rest.
You're intelligent, can you get me a cup of tea?
I am who you say I am. Nothing more. Nothing less. But thank God that's not all I am. Now leave me the hell alone.

Keepsake

I want to keep you
But I fear you will escape
I want to hold you but I feel like i would smother you.
I want to feel you but am afraid I will burn your skin.
I want to talk to you but I am afraid my words are not what you want to hear
I want to see inside of you
But I am scared that I will like it too much
I want you to see inside of me
But I am scared it will make you run.
I want you to know me
And I am scared you will never try to.

I don't wanna be lost again.

I was going through the house this weekend to look for stuff for our sale we are having. We are going to Disney World in 2 years and I told my son we had to save up money. So he decided we were going to have a sale. So he was in his room gathering stuff that he wanted to get rid of and I was in the rest of the house. Well I checked in on him, and bless his heart, he had every toy (except his trains bc he can't part with them) and every piece of clothing he owned in a pile in the middle of the room. He said "mommy, I need you help." HAhaha It is hard to make a determined, anxious 3 year old to understand that he cannot sale all this stuff.

He proceeded to tell me that without it he did not think he would be able to see Tinkerbell or get any wishes. I asked what his wish was and he said for daddy to love mommy again. 

Now, First I did not realize how much all this was hitting him. I mean he still sees his daddy on a regular basis. It is hard as crap for me to do it because seeing him hurts so bad.. But I do it because I would never take them two apart. But it hit me even harder because even though I am not keeping them apart, I have taken them apart.
I should tell you, something noone knows outside of me and my ex, my son does not belong to him. He is not the biological father. And no it is not because I cheated and had some great love affair. But he bonded with him just like he did belong to him. And they do belong to each other. They love each other so much. And us getting divorced does not change that so I know it is for real. I know his love for my son, our son, is real love. So I find myself feeling like a ripped half of his life away from him. And on the other hand I feel jealous. Jealous that someone who i wanted to love me so much, loves my son but cant  love me anymore. I just do not know where I keep messing up. And then on top of this, now it seems as though I have hurt my little man in the process. I know it was worth it for me. But every now and then I am consumed by the what ifs. I just want to be loved. I want to know where I am going. And if the only person that I know loves me, resents me in the future for the one thing I did not let him have a say in, then it may be the worst feeling in my life. I know I have to work extra hard to make him know that it was not his fault and it was not my fault and it was not his daddy's fault. It just was not right. But will he ever understand that his daddy will never love his mommy again despite all the wishes in the world. Tinkerbell cannot fix our marriage.

karaoke lol

Be Silent, Be Still

I sit and wait. Hearing the dings and the bells and the whistles.
I watch the clock, hearing the constant ticking in the middle of each heart palpitation.
The laughter is like a beating drum and the cries of the little ones like a violent violin playing the sharpest music. Cue the percussion!

Silence. Oh how I long to hear nothing.

The quiet hush of the air running through the trees trying to escape the sun. The darkness showing its power over the land. The simple beat of my own heart mixed with his as it becomes one. As I cradle him in my arms to feel his pulse slow to a steady pace. The slight breath escaping his tiny mouth as he sighs from a sweet polka dotted dream. Safety. I want to hear safety in knowing that I have all I need right here in this moment. Swaying on the swing, cuddling my angel, hearing only the sweet daylight trying to defeat the darkness.