Monday, July 25, 2011

Need a change from this burn out scene...

So I have been living life so well.. I had a trip to atlanta the other week... Just an overnight trip. And it was so fun. I need a break. Ended up going to Dave and Buster's. For those who do not know what that is, let me explain. It is a huge arcade game that any kid or adult child can get lost in. I love arcade games. I love shoot em up games lol. And the typical ones. I kick butt at air hockey and Pac Man. lol. I spent 40 dollars there alone lol. I know I am a geek. Then I went back to the hotel and got a little rest so I could come back for the knight's festivities.Literally! I went to a place called Medieval times. Oh yes. I want to live back in those times. It was amazing. Had a great meal, pretty good entertainment (i am a critic when it comes to reenactment and acting :) ), and a got a flower !!! woot woot!
 This Was my red and yellow night. I was in his section. So I cheered for him. :) He was a pretty good actor and strong in his fighting. (I am a nerd LOL)
 This was the black and white knight. I just love those colors so I had to take a pic!
And here was my flower that he threw me... I think it was because I was cheering so loud for him to win. :) I was so excited. I like flowers.. :)

 I truly do love atlanta. Its my second hometown. I also did a little shopping. Tried to keep that to a minumum because I hate it. But I tried. And now I get to back tomorrow and stay another night. And I am uber excited again. I am going to the American Idol Concert. Just hope noone lip sings. That irritates me. And I get to feel like I can breathe. I love driving. Turning up the music and losing myself, feeling the wind in my hair (whether the window is down or the A/C is on so high). I will take pics of this adventure and post them as well :)  Why do I feel so free on the road? From someone has run away before, I know it has a little to do with feeling free. Going to a place where there are less people who know me and do not know who I am inside. So they want to know more or they at least do not judge me for someone they assume me to be. And that is what I hope people understand. That one thing does not make me who I am . And just when you think you know me, you should think again.

I am not going to explain myself to anyone. But for once, I want someone to want things as bad as I did.. I want to feel wanted, and I want to feel safe. And I know and understand that for people in this world, that is asking alot. But I never thought it would be so hard.

Just when you feel like your falling
You learn to fly again on your own.
Just when you think someone is going to catch you,
you land on your feet.
Neither is bad. But it keeps you wanting to feel what falling all the way feels like...
Feeling those arms catch you and hearing the whisper "i have you, you are safe"
Instead of always catching yourself and being alone.
I hope you catch me because I am already falling.
If not I guess I still won't know.

Til next time... Love you all!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

All i have is forever ......

So I have been out of the loop for a little bit. I know. And I also know that some may have not noticed, and some may have missed me. But I can honestly say I have missed you guys!!! I hope all is well with everyone. Alot had happened over the course of these past few weeks. Sickness, between me and my little man I think we have had every sickness we could possibly get. Death, a few deaths since my cousin passed. And Even though I have not had too much time to deal with his truly, all of this life happening aruond me I suppose is his way of telling me to not grieve. I did get "let go" of my job. Being out that week, yea that is what did it. They just had to get all the paperwork up to do it. They told me I could reapply in a month and I could have my job back. But I think I am going to enjoy my summer and go back to teaching. I also had someone in my life find time for me through his busy schedule. And although I know slow is the key, he makes me smile along with plenty of other things. I was waiting around to see if things were going to kick off. And now it seems as though waiting and space were what worked for him to come through with his feelings. I am just glad they match mine. :) However, I am as pessimistic as I have ever been about things. I am normally the optimist who always looks for the silver lining. But for me, compared to my normalcy, I am being a pessimist. maybe not to others standards though. I have been really tired lately. This heat is getting to me. And I hope to making a trip for the weekend to see a few people next weekend. And all I can hope is that part of the weekend includes water. Becasue GOODNESS it is hot. This Georgia girl cannot take it anymore. Me and my ex actually had a decent dinner about two weeks ago. We talked about alot of things. We got mad and sad and regretted things we said and then were very sincere in other things. We will make things work. As well as they can I suppose. I wish I could move. But I have too much going on here to move right now. You know it is crazy. I can fall asleep and think about so many things but they never get resolved. My dreams are so much like my life. Just want to live just a little more so I can see everything resolved. And not resolved by my death. But resolved to conclusion about the individual problem. I am trying to get healthier. Both physically and mentally.
I resigned from the play. I got super sick and then realized without any help, it was not possible to do it. It was not possible to spend every night in a play when me and my son need each other. I am happy with my choice. There will be other plays. 
Well this was a very short version of what I had planned on writing. But another one will come soon. Right now my little man is wanting to go play. And he needs his momma, his best friend. :) Life is great.