Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Find my way back to then.....

When I was younger, but not so long ago, I had so much going for me. And I think I have lost sight of that goal. I have lost sight of all those options becasue I have settled in life. I have not only settled in relationships but in all of life.
Recently, (and I dont know why) People from my past have come up to me and made statement like "what happened to you?" and "I would have never expected this to be your life". Well I became defensive everytime someone mentioned it because I thought of it as an insult. I have a cookie cutter, household life... Thats what everyone wants right... HAHA NO!
I look at the people who have said things and they were not meaning it to insult me, but yet it was almost like they were disappointed. I am by no means disappointed with my life. I have the most amazing son... Who makes me the happiest mother in the world.. And I live out on so much land that is paid for and a beautiful home. I work hard but my life is so simple. And right there is finally my answer that I have been looking for.. I dont do simple. I have never done simple. A friend commented about contentment in another post of mine. But contentment is happiness with where you are right now in life. And I am content in where I am right now.. But that does not mean I am happy to stay content. I have never been simple. I am a complex creature that loves the simple joys in life. But my life is not challenging me enough. Being a mother challenges me. But that is the only challenge I have. The rest of my life is so stagnant and it is starting to get where I cant even breathe. I am starting to be disappointed in myself for being content and not moving forward. I have been in the same place in my life for 7 years. And thats not living. And I will be DAMNED if I will live another day not living. So today is my change. Today is my move forward. Today is the day I show my son what true happiness and achieving all you want in life really means.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Time to Change...

Why is it when you meet or come to communicate with someone who is mentally stimulating or charming or whatever it is that you are looking for... You start to wonder what if? What if the grass is greener on their side? hmmm.. a thought..
I meet many a people from all over the world... Some are pricks, and some are interesting people who I come to trust and love. But meeting these people give me a different perspective on the world bc their life is alot different than mine. They were brought up in a different environment. It makes you think that there is something out there. Something more. But it also makes me think that I will be chasing forever. Always chasing for that happiness you know must be out there.. And I dont mean in just a person or just a thing. I mean life as a whole. You cant dive into a hobby enough to create pure happiness. You cant expect another person to give it to you either. It has to come from everything falling into place as it should for you. Perfect! But isnt that alot of pressure to put on the world to perform for you?

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Wish you were here

Even when things are breaking down at my feet, I do not need to hear that it will all be ok. I just need a warm hug, a light kiss, time away.
Have you ever felt in life that words are just not enough? Saying I love you means nothing without the actions behind it. Saying I hate you means nothing if you still want that person around. Saying you are happy means nothing if you are crying in the shower where noone can hear. Its just a facade. We, as humans, say things and try to make others believe that things are a certain way. And sometimes we even want to convince ourselves. But deep inside things are completely different. Why are we afraid to tell people that our life is not as it should be? Lets say this, I dont believe that you should cheat on your spouse or anything. But I do not think bad of the people who do. Because if and when they do, they are keeping that facade. Trying to make family and friends happy while at the same time trying to fill a void. Whatever that void may be.. They feel the void so they want to fill it up with something. They take the romance, love, desire, need, want or anything else they feel and they look for it elsewhere. Alot of my friends tell me "if I am going to cheat i am going to tell my husband first and get a divorce". No you wont. Not if you have invested that much time into him and your family. You would rather be unhappy on the inside. But I want to be happy on the inside.
I am trying so hard to find a happy medium in life where i can be happy and those around can be happy. I have lived all my life constantly striving to make everyone around me happy. To the point of exhaustion and I look back on my life and the only person that truly loves me and cares if I am happy constantly is myself. Even my child (who is a mamas boy all the way and is my whole heart) does not care whether i have enough sleep as long as he gets his cartoons and his cereal in the morning. Noone is going to care about you until you care about you.
SO why stop there.... Why not go after everything you want? Maybe you dont find it one person... maybe you dont find it one thing... but is it really ok for you to spend this one life that you have being unhappy on the inside? Who cares what they say?
Peace, Love and Caramel Coated Dreams

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

All I Need Is Love

There is hole inside every person. It needs to be filled just like an empty well. Without it being full it has not meaning. I want to have meaning. If i sit back and think about my life, it is one of pure beauty. I have a husband who would kill for me, a son who loves me unconditionally, a family that is so close noone could break our bond, and I can pay my bills. So why then am i needing more? What inside me longs for something else? Why then do i long to have a different life?
Simply put, it is because all that i have is not what i want. I always thought my life would be different. I would be the talented one who could live her dream and become someone in the world. I would see the world. I would live like no other. I would have a whirlwind romance. I would grow because it was my choice. Instead I am forced to grow into a woman I never thought I would be. I never thought of myself as the stressed out person I am today. I make myself sick over the silliest things. I know you don't love me but yet I pine for your attention. What is wrong with me? I ask myself often, if i were really in a different place would i be happy? Would I be the person I had always wanted to be? I can't honestly answer that question. I can't honestly say that my life would work out better. Maybe I would be looking for the life I have now. Maybe as humans we are preprogrammed to be unhappy. To always want is greener on the other side. Because we think just that. That the grass is always greener. But maybe when we get to the other pasture it will be just as brown as the one we are in. And then where do we go? Because we sure cant go back to the other pasture. Maybe we need that chase for the rest of our lives. Maybe we need that drama. Maybe we need that push to always have more. But then how will we ever be truly happy?
 Peace, love and caramel coated dreams!