Monday, May 16, 2011

I don't wanna be lost again.

I was going through the house this weekend to look for stuff for our sale we are having. We are going to Disney World in 2 years and I told my son we had to save up money. So he decided we were going to have a sale. So he was in his room gathering stuff that he wanted to get rid of and I was in the rest of the house. Well I checked in on him, and bless his heart, he had every toy (except his trains bc he can't part with them) and every piece of clothing he owned in a pile in the middle of the room. He said "mommy, I need you help." HAhaha It is hard to make a determined, anxious 3 year old to understand that he cannot sale all this stuff.

He proceeded to tell me that without it he did not think he would be able to see Tinkerbell or get any wishes. I asked what his wish was and he said for daddy to love mommy again. 

Now, First I did not realize how much all this was hitting him. I mean he still sees his daddy on a regular basis. It is hard as crap for me to do it because seeing him hurts so bad.. But I do it because I would never take them two apart. But it hit me even harder because even though I am not keeping them apart, I have taken them apart.
I should tell you, something noone knows outside of me and my ex, my son does not belong to him. He is not the biological father. And no it is not because I cheated and had some great love affair. But he bonded with him just like he did belong to him. And they do belong to each other. They love each other so much. And us getting divorced does not change that so I know it is for real. I know his love for my son, our son, is real love. So I find myself feeling like a ripped half of his life away from him. And on the other hand I feel jealous. Jealous that someone who i wanted to love me so much, loves my son but cant  love me anymore. I just do not know where I keep messing up. And then on top of this, now it seems as though I have hurt my little man in the process. I know it was worth it for me. But every now and then I am consumed by the what ifs. I just want to be loved. I want to know where I am going. And if the only person that I know loves me, resents me in the future for the one thing I did not let him have a say in, then it may be the worst feeling in my life. I know I have to work extra hard to make him know that it was not his fault and it was not my fault and it was not his daddy's fault. It just was not right. But will he ever understand that his daddy will never love his mommy again despite all the wishes in the world. Tinkerbell cannot fix our marriage.


  1. Yes, your little man will. Not very soon but he will.
    I can only imagine how what he said broke your heart. Give it some time Pix. Give everyone some time to come to terms with the situation. I don't think everyone is of the same pace when it comes to challenges like these. At the moment, there is love between you and your son, and between him and his Dad. Nothing can ever change that. Hang on and keep breathing. :)

  2. love the honesty!

    PS:In time, the explanations will get more age appropriate for your son. Find your path, your happiness, to show him how one day he will find his.

  3. Pix it is sad what happened re tinkerbell, little kids remember thing unfortunately but as Petite said all you can do is take it a day at a time and just as you do, be there for him,
    You ex sounds like a good man and so he will always have a will get better for both of you in time.