You are my inspiration...

You may not be my first kiss...
You may not even be my last...
But you will be my everything for this moment.

I won't take things for granted anymore. But I do not want to let things slip by me either. I am not grasping at life anymore trying to get a hold of the reigns. I have them and I am ready to steer it where I want it to go. Life may not always give me exactly what I want, but it will always give me what I need. Some people are in your life for a second, some for a season, and some forever. And I will cherish everyone of those people!

Brief sighting of brilliance....

A fleeting instance…
What’s that? You are gone…
I hear the drumming of your fingers in my mind as if it were my own heartbeat
Too soon fading away…
I can’t catch you.
And if I did, I couldn’t hold you.
I hear the keys pounding in my head as if you were right next to me
But all I see are words appear on the screen.
Briefly, as if only to tease…
Gone again, in an instant…
Come back fantasy, for I do not want you to be fleeting.

Pain is inevitable... Suffering is optional!

So this weekend, i decided to stop feeling sorry for myself. I chose to leave and for good reason. And even if I do not find another soul out there to love me, I already have someone who will love me for life. I actually have two people. Me and my son. My dad always raised me to work hard and learn it all because I was not going to depend on anyone else. I was spoiled but my dad knew that when I was older, I would not be able to have a man around all the time. So i learned how to change a tire and oil in a car, I learned all the yard work and how to build and repair a house. I learned and learned and learned. And I forgot it all, because for the past years I have been told I cannot do it. I cannot do anything as good as he can. Problem is, he never did it. So this weekend I got into all of it and fixed things and made things. I turned my house into a home for me and my little man. And I loved every minute of it. And I do not need a man. I never needed him to do anything. But isn't that the best kind of love? Knowing that person does not need you for anything, but they want you for everything. They want you there. To me, that makes people stay around longer. I would rather people want me, than need me. Because when you need someone, you tend to use them. And I never want to feel that way. And for the rest of my life I will know that I am a rare catch. I am special. And even on days I do not believe that, I will look in the mirror and say I am special to me! I no longer want to suffer. I no longer want to sulk. I want to get out and live for me again.

Guilt

"It is easy to let go when holding on hurts so bad."

I was feeling guilty today. I cry and I wake up with sweats, and I worry and I feel sick. But with all that, it is still not as bad as I think I should feel. And when I was thinking about that today, I remembered this. No matter how hard it is, it is still a relief from what it was. Just wanted to say that because it was on my mind.

All I wanted was to collapse in someone's arms today and just cry and not move, but noone was there to catch me.

Settle for a slow down..

These last few days alone in this big old house has made me think alot. And even though I don't wish to be alone nor did i ever think my life would turn out this way, I am learning to live with it. There are so many times when the thing you want stares you right in the face, not necessarily saying "get me" but definitely right there for the taking. And then before you know it, it is gone. Walking away slowly and all you want to do is scream "stop". But right now I would settle for a slow down. Just to see it not walk away so fast so I have time to reach out. Because right now my hands are tied behind my back. But just to see that one thing turn around and say "you have time, not going anywhere", well that could be the best thing anyone could here.
I just feel like I am running in circles and going nowhere. I need a change and I know that. But what I do not need to change is myself. And I feel slowly that is what is happening. My self esteem and confidence seem to be so shaken and I hate it. It is just another feeling I have to deal with. One foot forward at a time. My son called me last night at work in the middle of the night. He woke up with night terrors. And I knew that if I were there, he would be ok. And I live for him. He is going through such a hard time, probably so confused. I cannot wait to see him this weekend. I know that all these feelings will go away when I hold him and he says all the things that he knows to say. To see his funny eyes that he got straight from me, and to see his little nose crinkle when he disapporoves of the way I am doing something. It makes me realize that all the things walking away from me are not as important as he is. But they are still important to me. And I do not know why they are important. SO I am going to take a few days. Clear my head. Try to stay out of the hustle and worry of the CS. Maybe I can get some things done. And maybe not. But I am going to try. And most people on here, they have a way to contact me if they so choose outside of here. But either way, I am ready to move on. I am ready to see what is out there. And I am ready for the life that I deserve.

Any hope at all....

How do you feel?
How do you see?
How do you dream?
How do you lie?
How do you look?
How do you feel?


If you looked at me, you would see a woman who tries so very hard to please the people around her. You might see a pretty girl, you might see an ugly one, but nonetheless you would see a woman who tries. If you looked at me, you would see a woman with green eyes, a slightly less desirable body than she once had, and blond hair. If you looked at me, you would see a mom who smiles a lot, a daughter who takes care of her parents, all the facts that make up my life.

But if you looked in me, you would see the truth. But you won’t ever look in me because you can’t stop looking at me.

_______________________________________________________________________

I came in the house today after my trip and I immediately logged onto the comp to do something I told someone I would do. Not paying attention to my surroundings. After I realized that I was on the comp for nothing, I began to settle into the house. I started looking around and it felt so empty. I looked around and all the pictures had been taken down. All of the mementos of vacations had been erased. Went to the closet, all of his clothes were gone. Empty hangars hanging on with all they had with no purpose.
I sat in my closet for a few minutes soaking everything in and a text message startled me back into reality. All it said was “I love you”. After that, another one and another one and another one. And the tears started rolling. All my friends knew I was coming home today. And they knew I needed this.
I have been walking around in a daze, the only sparing moments of that are me trying to lose myself in the CS. But even that has dwindled because… well we won’t go there.
It’s all fancy smoke and mirrors. I am really good at hiding how I feel.
It is so hard but I know it is so right.
How many times will I have to tell myself that before the pain goes away of losing ten years of my life?

Now I know in this video he left her. But it was just as hard for me to leave. And yesterday that is what happened. I got me and little man ready and I told him I couldn't do it anymore. It's been a long time coming. And I'm struggling a lot. As I sit in this hotel room I lean on my friends. I can't talk to him. As I told him I was leaving, that was the first bit of emotion he has showed me in two years. I just have to live better than that. I just pray for strength.

Today...

Walking through the door, I hear a sound of little feet running in.

My name, my wonderful name rolls off this tiny persons lip as he wraps his whole life around his mommy.

I could lose myself right here in this place if only…

Then I hear thuds. The shadow approaches as if it were a shadow of denial and hate wrapped into one.

I look and see the shoes that stomped out all my happiness. My eyes follow up and I see the hands that have stolen all my dreams. And last, I meet the eyes that have nothing for me anymore but still yearn to keep me for his own bidding.

Oh if I could only have stopped time.

Just for one more moment savored my joy. Held onto my life. Instead I feel my cheeks flushing with sadness, and the rain flooding in behind my heart.

To pretend is to ignore. To fake is to lose yourself. To smile though your heart is breaking is courageous only for another.

Amazing at it may seem...

How can the one person in your life that you chose to make a life with and procreate with and make the most beautiful thing in the world with.... the one person who you gave up everything for and asked nothing in return.... the one person you aim to please for ten years.... just not care about you at all? I know its possible for me to be loved. And I know he used to love me. But how can he decide one day that I dont matter. That now that he has all these friends that I am just a lowly wife who need not be heard and whose opinions dont count. At what point did i lose my role as his equal partner and become his lowly slave? and how come everything that he used to be to me he is not..

I wanted things to be the way they were. I wanted my best friend to be my lover and the amazing man that I fought for. But I cant always be the one remembering, I cant always be the one to hold down the fort, I cant always be the mom. Sometimes I want to be a woman. When did I stop being one? How it hurts to feel like this. How it hurts to not be able to show my true potential. All i am is your fantasy when you want it, and your secretary the other times.
I know I sound like a whiny bitch. But I can be everything to someone.. All im allowed to be right now is a nothing. When will i matter again? Why can another man see me and want instantly to know me... and yet the man I want to see me look right through me? Its over. He says it cant be over. But it is. He says what I want does not exist. Marriage is not that way. I say screw that.. i have found it. And if i can find it i know it can last through marriage. I dont understand why after seven years our marriage is the  reason you say it is lost. If that were the reason then why not after the first five. Why now?

Sorry just a rant... just me not understanding.

28

Another year down, another year passed.
This time last year at least I can say was different. I have progressed. Moved forward. Met people who have changed my life. And met some who did absolutely nothing but they were still just as vital. One of my favortie musicals "Rent" poses the question. How do you measure a year?
I measured mine by how much me and my son have grown to be a vital part of each other. Without me, he feels lost. And without him, i am equally as lost. He has shown me so much in his 3 years of life. But the best thing he has showed me was how much I could be loved. How much I deserved. And as i get older, he is teaching me more than i could ever have learned in school. As long as my years are filled with him and his love I can ask for nothing more than to make him grow into a wonderful young man. Because ever since his conception He has given me a purpose.
No matter where we go in life or how old we get, it is the kids that keep us young. I feel like a kid when I am with my son. I feel like the world is going to go on forever. And I feel like anything is possible. My hope for the next year of my life is that I can live with just as much as life as I did this last year. And I hope that I can lead him in the right direction in life or at least help him along the way. He is my life. And no matter how old I get, I will always take pride in my life.

Noone can see your tears through the rain...

The rain on my window slips slowly down. Almost as if it knows its absence would allow the world to see the truth. If the rain knows, then how can you be so blind?

My pen writes as fast as my heart is beating, and my mind flutters from period to period. Writing this letter is not out of spite, but out of surrender. I give to you all I can until little is left. With that little, I must resign myself to happiness. With any that I have left I must salvage my life. Lift my head high, look into the rain, and say “I need you no more”. I don’t want to hide. I want to be heard. I don’t want to be adored. I want to be respected.  I want to be loved,  but I would rather be free.

This was written a while back. i just recently found it. i was going through a very rough spot in my life. So glad I have grown from that place. Thats what life is all about, continuing to grow..