Monday, April 11, 2011

Amazing at it may seem...

How can the one person in your life that you chose to make a life with and procreate with and make the most beautiful thing in the world with.... the one person who you gave up everything for and asked nothing in return.... the one person you aim to please for ten years.... just not care about you at all? I know its possible for me to be loved. And I know he used to love me. But how can he decide one day that I dont matter. That now that he has all these friends that I am just a lowly wife who need not be heard and whose opinions dont count. At what point did i lose my role as his equal partner and become his lowly slave? and how come everything that he used to be to me he is not..

I wanted things to be the way they were. I wanted my best friend to be my lover and the amazing man that I fought for. But I cant always be the one remembering, I cant always be the one to hold down the fort, I cant always be the mom. Sometimes I want to be a woman. When did I stop being one? How it hurts to feel like this. How it hurts to not be able to show my true potential. All i am is your fantasy when you want it, and your secretary the other times.
I know I sound like a whiny bitch. But I can be everything to someone.. All im allowed to be right now is a nothing. When will i matter again? Why can another man see me and want instantly to know me... and yet the man I want to see me look right through me? Its over. He says it cant be over. But it is. He says what I want does not exist. Marriage is not that way. I say screw that.. i have found it. And if i can find it i know it can last through marriage. I dont understand why after seven years our marriage is the  reason you say it is lost. If that were the reason then why not after the first five. Why now?

Sorry just a rant... just me not understanding.

1 comment:

  1. This is terribly saddening as you seem like a fantastic person. Found your blog via the blogger cafe and following from a distance. (sigh) I am a sucker for a good rant.