These last few days alone in this big old house has made me think alot. And even though I don't wish to be alone nor did i ever think my life would turn out this way, I am learning to live with it. There are so many times when the thing you want stares you right in the face, not necessarily saying "get me" but definitely right there for the taking. And then before you know it, it is gone. Walking away slowly and all you want to do is scream "stop". But right now I would settle for a slow down. Just to see it not walk away so fast so I have time to reach out. Because right now my hands are tied behind my back. But just to see that one thing turn around and say "you have time, not going anywhere", well that could be the best thing anyone could here.
I just feel like I am running in circles and going nowhere. I need a change and I know that. But what I do not need to change is myself. And I feel slowly that is what is happening. My self esteem and confidence seem to be so shaken and I hate it. It is just another feeling I have to deal with. One foot forward at a time. My son called me last night at work in the middle of the night. He woke up with night terrors. And I knew that if I were there, he would be ok. And I live for him. He is going through such a hard time, probably so confused. I cannot wait to see him this weekend. I know that all these feelings will go away when I hold him and he says all the things that he knows to say. To see his funny eyes that he got straight from me, and to see his little nose crinkle when he disapporoves of the way I am doing something. It makes me realize that all the things walking away from me are not as important as he is. But they are still important to me. And I do not know why they are important. SO I am going to take a few days. Clear my head. Try to stay out of the hustle and worry of the CS. Maybe I can get some things done. And maybe not. But I am going to try. And most people on here, they have a way to contact me if they so choose outside of here. But either way, I am ready to move on. I am ready to see what is out there. And I am ready for the life that I deserve.