Monday, April 18, 2011

Any hope at all....

How do you feel?
How do you see?
How do you dream?
How do you lie?
How do you look?
How do you feel?

If you looked at me, you would see a woman who tries so very hard to please the people around her. You might see a pretty girl, you might see an ugly one, but nonetheless you would see a woman who tries. If you looked at me, you would see a woman with green eyes, a slightly less desirable body than she once had, and blond hair. If you looked at me, you would see a mom who smiles a lot, a daughter who takes care of her parents, all the facts that make up my life.

But if you looked in me, you would see the truth. But you won’t ever look in me because you can’t stop looking at me.


I came in the house today after my trip and I immediately logged onto the comp to do something I told someone I would do. Not paying attention to my surroundings. After I realized that I was on the comp for nothing, I began to settle into the house. I started looking around and it felt so empty. I looked around and all the pictures had been taken down. All of the mementos of vacations had been erased. Went to the closet, all of his clothes were gone. Empty hangars hanging on with all they had with no purpose.
I sat in my closet for a few minutes soaking everything in and a text message startled me back into reality. All it said was “I love you”. After that, another one and another one and another one. And the tears started rolling. All my friends knew I was coming home today. And they knew I needed this.
I have been walking around in a daze, the only sparing moments of that are me trying to lose myself in the CS. But even that has dwindled because… well we won’t go there.
It’s all fancy smoke and mirrors. I am really good at hiding how I feel.
It is so hard but I know it is so right.
How many times will I have to tell myself that before the pain goes away of losing ten years of my life?


  1. I'm really sorry that you had to go through that. . .
    I know you've heard it before, but its true-precious stones can't be polished without friction- nor can a person be perfected without going through adversity.
    its not a loss, its a lesson. Just keep moving forward and you'll be better for it

  2. I just saw this and I thought it fitting:
    "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."
    I am sorry for the pain. But I trust you know in your heart this is just the start of better things.
    Take care, if you need to holler, I am an email away.

  3. Oh Pixie!! I had no and I are even more alike than I realized before. Hoping you're doing better through all of this! Hang onto that lil man, they are an amazing encouragment and they don't even know it! *HUGS*