Soooooo.. haha

Oh how far life takes you in but a short while. Life is amazing. I have not been on here because I have been in pure bliss.. I cant believe my son is almost 4. Aaaaaaahhhhhh.. I have wondered about a few dear friends of mine on here. And I have fallen short in keeping up with them as life took its course. But i hope they have known deep down that they have stayed on my mind. Isnt it funny that life is so screwed up and perfect all in the same way. Instances that are only in fantasy happening to you.... happening to people you love. Whether it be a wonderful fantasy or a horrible fantasy.. it all amazes me. Of course it causes other emotions as well.. But amazement of life is where i am right now. Good, bad, ugly.... I feel, for the first time, in tune with who i am. I have gone thru so many changes. Physical and emotional. And I am where i want to be. And I thank everyone along that way. Assholes and saints alike! I love you all LOL

I get off on you...

I am amazingly settled in life. Happy to be where I am. And Looking forward to where I am going. I have realized that it is OK if people do not love the way I love, or care the way I care. Some people Just are not like me. And I need to stop expecting them to be. It was a rough day the other day. I went to the doc and I am not doing so well. I didn't feel well, and the doctor confirmed that I shouldn't be feeling well. So now with a few things lined up I am sitting and waiting to find out what can be done. In that light I have realized that I need to learn a lot of things in life. I have a lot to do. And It is not to sit back and pine over someone or something in life that does not have time for me or does not care for me. If you are struggling with something in your life or someone, and it cant give you what you need, then you shouldn't give it part of you. And that is hard for me to realize. Some things are not meant to be conquered. Some people are not meant to be in your life. And Some time is always going to be lost wishing things were different. But once you lose enough time, you will wake up and realize that it is all OK. You are not dead. You lived past it. And Life goes on in an amazing way. People are so afraid of change and rejection. Me, being one of those people. And it hurts when you see you are wrong. It will. And then it won't. Miraculously, you will get past it. And it will even get better. Because the right things for you are always better than the wrong. I have met some amazing people on this forum. Who have molded my way of thinking and always inspired me. Some are gone, some are still here. But either way, it does not change the way they affected me. The imprint on my soul. I love you!

Need a change from this burn out scene...

So I have been living life so well.. I had a trip to atlanta the other week... Just an overnight trip. And it was so fun. I need a break. Ended up going to Dave and Buster's. For those who do not know what that is, let me explain. It is a huge arcade game that any kid or adult child can get lost in. I love arcade games. I love shoot em up games lol. And the typical ones. I kick butt at air hockey and Pac Man. lol. I spent 40 dollars there alone lol. I know I am a geek. Then I went back to the hotel and got a little rest so I could come back for the knight's festivities.Literally! I went to a place called Medieval times. Oh yes. I want to live back in those times. It was amazing. Had a great meal, pretty good entertainment (i am a critic when it comes to reenactment and acting :) ), and a got a flower !!! woot woot!

 This Was my red and yellow night. I was in his section. So I cheered for him. :) He was a pretty good actor and strong in his fighting. (I am a nerd LOL)

 This was the black and white knight. I just love those colors so I had to take a pic!

And here was my flower that he threw me... I think it was because I was cheering so loud for him to win. :) I was so excited. I like flowers.. :)

 I truly do love atlanta. Its my second hometown. I also did a little shopping. Tried to keep that to a minumum because I hate it. But I tried. And now I get to back tomorrow and stay another night. And I am uber excited again. I am going to the American Idol Concert. Just hope noone lip sings. That irritates me. And I get to feel like I can breathe. I love driving. Turning up the music and losing myself, feeling the wind in my hair (whether the window is down or the A/C is on so high). I will take pics of this adventure and post them as well :)  Why do I feel so free on the road? From someone has run away before, I know it has a little to do with feeling free. Going to a place where there are less people who know me and do not know who I am inside. So they want to know more or they at least do not judge me for someone they assume me to be. And that is what I hope people understand. That one thing does not make me who I am . And just when you think you know me, you should think again.

I am not going to explain myself to anyone. But for once, I want someone to want things as bad as I did.. I want to feel wanted, and I want to feel safe. And I know and understand that for people in this world, that is asking alot. But I never thought it would be so hard.

Just when you feel like your falling
You learn to fly again on your own.
Just when you think someone is going to catch you,
you land on your feet.
Neither is bad. But it keeps you wanting to feel what falling all the way feels like...
Feeling those arms catch you and hearing the whisper "i have you, you are safe"
Instead of always catching yourself and being alone.
I hope you catch me because I am already falling.
If not I guess I still won't know.

Til next time... Love you all!

All i have is forever ......

So I have been out of the loop for a little bit. I know. And I also know that some may have not noticed, and some may have missed me. But I can honestly say I have missed you guys!!! I hope all is well with everyone. Alot had happened over the course of these past few weeks. Sickness, between me and my little man I think we have had every sickness we could possibly get. Death, a few deaths since my cousin passed. And Even though I have not had too much time to deal with his truly, all of this life happening aruond me I suppose is his way of telling me to not grieve. I did get "let go" of my job. Being out that week, yea that is what did it. They just had to get all the paperwork up to do it. They told me I could reapply in a month and I could have my job back. But I think I am going to enjoy my summer and go back to teaching. I also had someone in my life find time for me through his busy schedule. And although I know slow is the key, he makes me smile along with plenty of other things. I was waiting around to see if things were going to kick off. And now it seems as though waiting and space were what worked for him to come through with his feelings. I am just glad they match mine. :) However, I am as pessimistic as I have ever been about things. I am normally the optimist who always looks for the silver lining. But for me, compared to my normalcy, I am being a pessimist. maybe not to others standards though. I have been really tired lately. This heat is getting to me. And I hope to making a trip for the weekend to see a few people next weekend. And all I can hope is that part of the weekend includes water. Becasue GOODNESS it is hot. This Georgia girl cannot take it anymore. Me and my ex actually had a decent dinner about two weeks ago. We talked about alot of things. We got mad and sad and regretted things we said and then were very sincere in other things. We will make things work. As well as they can I suppose. I wish I could move. But I have too much going on here to move right now. You know it is crazy. I can fall asleep and think about so many things but they never get resolved. My dreams are so much like my life. Just want to live just a little more so I can see everything resolved. And not resolved by my death. But resolved to conclusion about the individual problem. I am trying to get healthier. Both physically and mentally.
I resigned from the play. I got super sick and then realized without any help, it was not possible to do it. It was not possible to spend every night in a play when me and my son need each other. I am happy with my choice. There will be other plays. 
Well this was a very short version of what I had planned on writing. But another one will come soon. Right now my little man is wanting to go play. And he needs his momma, his best friend. :) Life is great.

Hell Yea!

Ok so as some, I think most, of you know I lost a very dear person to me.

This is my cousin, Paul. My sweet, handsome, rough cousin who was always on my side. And he was the type you wanted on your team because he would do anything for you. But if he was against you, well he was a typical redneck. Always drinking when he was out with friends, starting fights at the drop of a hat. He had a drug problem growing up. He has been in and out of rehab. And Life never took him. He was always right there on the edge laughing at death. Probably kicking death's ass. But he always made it through. He has two little boys, a teenage girl, and a son who is not really his but calls him daddy because Paul was so good to him. Paul was getting better. Rehab did it this time. Pulled him off that edge and he stayed off the edge for almost two years. In that two years, he called me every week. He was my escape when there was none. A shoulder to cry on when I was too scared to talk to anyone else. He always said I was different. "A City Girl With a Country Heart". That is what i was to him. He always told me I had the intelligence and talent and beauty to make it in the big city but I would always be the girl people came to and could be themselves and relax. He made me proud of who i was. I have been having a rough time so he was going to take me out on the boat saturday. He left a voice mail before he died. I love you sis! That was the first time he ever called me sis. And He was part of the reason that I was going to be ok. because he was there for me. He was one person I did not have to take care of and our friendship and love was not one sided. He listened. He gave advice. He cared. He did not talk at me. He talked to me. And now, he is gone. People knew him as the epitome of fun and happiness. He did not care what anyone thought or said. He never knocked on a door because he knew where he was welcome. He was amazing. And I will always miss him. It will always be hard. It will always be bad when I see things that remind me of him. But I won't cry. I will laugh and smile and say "Hell Yea" because I know it will be him sending me messages telling me "it's going to be alright sis". I love you Paul!

The preachers at the funeral reminded me that there are only three days we need to worry about:
Yesterday:What was done yesterday cannot be changed or altered in any way. We may have regrets or memories but we can only learn from them. So we are not to live in yesterday.
Tomorrow: We are not guaranteed tomorrow. So if want to say something to someone, we need to do it right now. Today. In this moment. Because..
Today: It's all we have.

Let's Take A Chance

Let’s Take a Chance

Ok so I am back at work. Emotions and sickness have flared last week and this past weekend. I think mucus runs through my veins instead of blood. Disgusting I know… Believe me… And I usually am not so crude but man this is horrible.. But at least it is getting out there. I think I have tried everything in the world to get it to stop hurting. And it is finally working.

I came to work thinking I was going to be fired. Yes…. For being out all week. You are probably asking yourself “who would fire you for being sick? When you work in a hospital in an intensive care unit? FOR BABIES?” Well my work would…. They do not care for what reason, they hate when you are out. Sooooo.. that being said… Instead of being fired, I was given an award. An award for being the most happy, upbeat, and friendly person on staff. WOW…. Me? Well yes… thank you.. thank you very much. I would just like to thank all of my acting coaches throughout my life for they have truly been a great help. HAHAH They like me… They Really Like Me! Ok so now that is over.
You are probably wondering how I came to achieve this award.. I really am a positive person. To a fault I suppose. I can be negative do not get me wrong. But I rarely let people see that. So if you have seen that, consider yourself SPECIAL! That’s a wall that usually comes down after I am comfy. I was surprised that people saw me that way. Surprised and happy that I could make people happy by the way I treat them. It in turn makes me happy.


And now for a survey someone asked me to fill out!!!

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?


I was not named after anyONE. But named after someTHING... That being my birth month. My dad is so creative.lol But my middle name is beautiful and I love it.


2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

Last night. I find it is good to cry. however I choose to do it alone and not around others most of the time.


3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

eh. Its ok. Sometimes i love it and sometimes i hate it


4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?

I love turkey and ham..


5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

I have a wonderful little three year old boy. Tha man of the house. And then I have a niece who practically lives with my and she is 7 :) I have a nephew too, but I do not claim him lol

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?

Yes. I think I am a pretty great friend


7. DO YOU HAVE SIBLINGS?

Yes a brother (the oldest) he is a orthopedic surgeon in augusta, ga. And My sister (who is also older but noone believes it bc she acts like a teenager) who is a stay at home something or another. She says stay at home mom but her kids are in school lol. So I think she is just lazy lol. She is my best friend though.


8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?

Nope. They were taken out when i was five. It is strange but I remember it like it was yesterday. Down to the red wagon they wheeled me back on and the cherry mask that I got to breathe through and waking up thinking my mom had left me when she was just in the play room reading a book. Oh the days...

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?

Not alone.. and I do not think I would period. but who knows.


10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?

Special K with equal sprinkled on top and COLD milk.. yummy.


11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?

I only wear flip flop and crocs.. No ties here. Unless I am working out and then .. NO


12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?

Yes. Physically.


13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?

I do not know. I do not eat it enough to have a fav


14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?

Their smile and the way they walk


15. RED OR PINK?

Red.


16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?

Hmmmm... my thighs lol...


17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?

Right now, my son...


18. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?

Aries


19. DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE PAIR OF SHOES?

Yes, my charcoal gray flip flops


20. FAVORITE MEAL?

Anything mexican or italian !


21. FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC?

Showtunes lol I know I am a nerd. i also LOVE CELTIC music


22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?

Red


23. FAVORITE SMELLS?

Fruity. And the way my son smells.. Even after a dirty day of playing his cheeks still smell like roses to me. Its a mother and son connection.


24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?

Some lady checking in on her baby.


25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?

Both at different parts of the year.


26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?

Football


27. HAIR COLOR?

Blonde


28. EYE COLOR?

Hazel but mostly green


29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?

No. I should for night time.. but i quit wearing them.


30. FAVORITE HEIRLOOM?

None


31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?

Comedies...


32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?

‘Hangover 2'


33. FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING?

My purple sundress


34. SUMMER OR WINTER?

Spring


35. HUGS OR KISSES?

Hugs and Kisses.


36. FAVORITE DESSERT?

Fruit Salad.


37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?

Cardio, I love dancing and aerobics


38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?

Phone


39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?

none..


40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?

Do not have one


42. FAVORITE SOUND?

My son laughing :)


43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?

The Beatles.


44. WHAT IS YOUR DREAM CAR?

Any Car that gets me from point A to Z


45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?

People say it is talking to other people and meeting new people and singing.


46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?

Mars... ok ok ok... thats a lie... egypt


47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?

Georgia


48. WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR?

Not doing things right for my son


49. WHAT BRINGS YOU THE MOST JOY?

Playing around with my son


50. WHAT PIECE OF ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO YOUR YOUNG SELF?

One day at a time!

I lie awake at night and have thoughts on my mind.
Good, bad, dirty, sweet, and all of life.
Why do I trust?
Why do I lean on people?
Why do I mistake for one second that I can be more than what you tell me I am?
Because all that I am to anyone is what they think of me at that moment.
And believe me we all know that can change with the tides.
You're beautiful , your fucking hideous.
You're lovely, go away.
I want you, you are a disease.
I need you, you suffocate me.
You are special, just like all the rest.
You're intelligent, can you get me a cup of tea?
I am who you say I am. Nothing more. Nothing less. But thank God that's not all I am. Now leave me the hell alone.

Keepsake

I want to keep you
But I fear you will escape
I want to hold you but I feel like i would smother you.
I want to feel you but am afraid I will burn your skin.
I want to talk to you but I am afraid my words are not what you want to hear
I want to see inside of you
But I am scared that I will like it too much
I want you to see inside of me
But I am scared it will make you run.
I want you to know me
And I am scared you will never try to.

I don't wanna be lost again.

I was going through the house this weekend to look for stuff for our sale we are having. We are going to Disney World in 2 years and I told my son we had to save up money. So he decided we were going to have a sale. So he was in his room gathering stuff that he wanted to get rid of and I was in the rest of the house. Well I checked in on him, and bless his heart, he had every toy (except his trains bc he can't part with them) and every piece of clothing he owned in a pile in the middle of the room. He said "mommy, I need you help." HAhaha It is hard to make a determined, anxious 3 year old to understand that he cannot sale all this stuff.

He proceeded to tell me that without it he did not think he would be able to see Tinkerbell or get any wishes. I asked what his wish was and he said for daddy to love mommy again. 

Now, First I did not realize how much all this was hitting him. I mean he still sees his daddy on a regular basis. It is hard as crap for me to do it because seeing him hurts so bad.. But I do it because I would never take them two apart. But it hit me even harder because even though I am not keeping them apart, I have taken them apart.
I should tell you, something noone knows outside of me and my ex, my son does not belong to him. He is not the biological father. And no it is not because I cheated and had some great love affair. But he bonded with him just like he did belong to him. And they do belong to each other. They love each other so much. And us getting divorced does not change that so I know it is for real. I know his love for my son, our son, is real love. So I find myself feeling like a ripped half of his life away from him. And on the other hand I feel jealous. Jealous that someone who i wanted to love me so much, loves my son but cant  love me anymore. I just do not know where I keep messing up. And then on top of this, now it seems as though I have hurt my little man in the process. I know it was worth it for me. But every now and then I am consumed by the what ifs. I just want to be loved. I want to know where I am going. And if the only person that I know loves me, resents me in the future for the one thing I did not let him have a say in, then it may be the worst feeling in my life. I know I have to work extra hard to make him know that it was not his fault and it was not my fault and it was not his daddy's fault. It just was not right. But will he ever understand that his daddy will never love his mommy again despite all the wishes in the world. Tinkerbell cannot fix our marriage.

karaoke lol

Be Silent, Be Still

I sit and wait. Hearing the dings and the bells and the whistles.
I watch the clock, hearing the constant ticking in the middle of each heart palpitation.
The laughter is like a beating drum and the cries of the little ones like a violent violin playing the sharpest music. Cue the percussion!

Silence. Oh how I long to hear nothing.

The quiet hush of the air running through the trees trying to escape the sun. The darkness showing its power over the land. The simple beat of my own heart mixed with his as it becomes one. As I cradle him in my arms to feel his pulse slow to a steady pace. The slight breath escaping his tiny mouth as he sighs from a sweet polka dotted dream. Safety. I want to hear safety in knowing that I have all I need right here in this moment. Swaying on the swing, cuddling my angel, hearing only the sweet daylight trying to defeat the darkness.

Hard to try, but harder not to...

This weekend was one of great trials.
Friday I heard from my husband through text. I should tell you that a while back some really bad things happened to me, and to put him out of his misery I got divorce papers drawn up. Then I found out I was pregnant and we decided to try harder. Anyways, he texted me "I am bringing my stuff back home. I am not signing these papers. Stop being ridiculous. You need me." Those words hit me hard. I did need him. I needed him to listen, I needed him to care, I needed him to fall back in love with me. I needed him to want me in his life. I need to fall back in love with him. It was so hard to sleep. It was so hard to breathe. Maybe I was jumping into things. Maybe I was too hard on him. I mean after all, a man cannot be expected to just be head over heels for one woman the rest of his life? One man cannot have all that pressure. One man cannot expect to be treated with the abundance of care that he was getting and not want more..
I finally cried myself to sleep. Wondering what I did wrong. But I woke up with a slightly different attitude. I did need him. But he did not need me. And now my son needs me. And I need him. Not my husband, but my son. I would never keep my son from my husband. They love each other to the ends of the earth. Of that I am sure. But to hear that I am being ridiculous all because I am finally going through with this shows me that he does need me. He just has too much pride in that hard head of his to tell me. But he does not need me like I needed him. He needs me to do laundry. So i woke up. Played with my son. Had a decent time. And then I decided to sign the papers. I texted him and told him he was not coming back. The papers were signed and it was done. We then had a couple of hours of texting due to me not answering his phone calls. And he still thinks i am not serious.
To top it all off, it made me act like an idiot in the forum. It made no sense and I could have done without all the stupidness. But i got over that too. I am a grown woman. And I do not want a man or need a man who is going to play games or not take me serious. I am through with it.

I see through your eyes the way you want me to be..
Perfection at its finest..
But I want you to see through my eyes the way I want you to be..
Just the way you are.
That was enough for me until you changed.
I guess now, the gleam in your eye tells me you want me to change..
but I am perfectly content the way I am.
I guess that is where the real problem lies. You used to be my perfection and i have always had to struggle to make it to yours.

You are my inspiration...

You may not be my first kiss...
You may not even be my last...
But you will be my everything for this moment.

I won't take things for granted anymore. But I do not want to let things slip by me either. I am not grasping at life anymore trying to get a hold of the reigns. I have them and I am ready to steer it where I want it to go. Life may not always give me exactly what I want, but it will always give me what I need. Some people are in your life for a second, some for a season, and some forever. And I will cherish everyone of those people!

Brief sighting of brilliance....

A fleeting instance…
What’s that? You are gone…
I hear the drumming of your fingers in my mind as if it were my own heartbeat
Too soon fading away…
I can’t catch you.
And if I did, I couldn’t hold you.
I hear the keys pounding in my head as if you were right next to me
But all I see are words appear on the screen.
Briefly, as if only to tease…
Gone again, in an instant…
Come back fantasy, for I do not want you to be fleeting.

Pain is inevitable... Suffering is optional!

So this weekend, i decided to stop feeling sorry for myself. I chose to leave and for good reason. And even if I do not find another soul out there to love me, I already have someone who will love me for life. I actually have two people. Me and my son. My dad always raised me to work hard and learn it all because I was not going to depend on anyone else. I was spoiled but my dad knew that when I was older, I would not be able to have a man around all the time. So i learned how to change a tire and oil in a car, I learned all the yard work and how to build and repair a house. I learned and learned and learned. And I forgot it all, because for the past years I have been told I cannot do it. I cannot do anything as good as he can. Problem is, he never did it. So this weekend I got into all of it and fixed things and made things. I turned my house into a home for me and my little man. And I loved every minute of it. And I do not need a man. I never needed him to do anything. But isn't that the best kind of love? Knowing that person does not need you for anything, but they want you for everything. They want you there. To me, that makes people stay around longer. I would rather people want me, than need me. Because when you need someone, you tend to use them. And I never want to feel that way. And for the rest of my life I will know that I am a rare catch. I am special. And even on days I do not believe that, I will look in the mirror and say I am special to me! I no longer want to suffer. I no longer want to sulk. I want to get out and live for me again.

Guilt

"It is easy to let go when holding on hurts so bad."

I was feeling guilty today. I cry and I wake up with sweats, and I worry and I feel sick. But with all that, it is still not as bad as I think I should feel. And when I was thinking about that today, I remembered this. No matter how hard it is, it is still a relief from what it was. Just wanted to say that because it was on my mind.

All I wanted was to collapse in someone's arms today and just cry and not move, but noone was there to catch me.

Settle for a slow down..

These last few days alone in this big old house has made me think alot. And even though I don't wish to be alone nor did i ever think my life would turn out this way, I am learning to live with it. There are so many times when the thing you want stares you right in the face, not necessarily saying "get me" but definitely right there for the taking. And then before you know it, it is gone. Walking away slowly and all you want to do is scream "stop". But right now I would settle for a slow down. Just to see it not walk away so fast so I have time to reach out. Because right now my hands are tied behind my back. But just to see that one thing turn around and say "you have time, not going anywhere", well that could be the best thing anyone could here.
I just feel like I am running in circles and going nowhere. I need a change and I know that. But what I do not need to change is myself. And I feel slowly that is what is happening. My self esteem and confidence seem to be so shaken and I hate it. It is just another feeling I have to deal with. One foot forward at a time. My son called me last night at work in the middle of the night. He woke up with night terrors. And I knew that if I were there, he would be ok. And I live for him. He is going through such a hard time, probably so confused. I cannot wait to see him this weekend. I know that all these feelings will go away when I hold him and he says all the things that he knows to say. To see his funny eyes that he got straight from me, and to see his little nose crinkle when he disapporoves of the way I am doing something. It makes me realize that all the things walking away from me are not as important as he is. But they are still important to me. And I do not know why they are important. SO I am going to take a few days. Clear my head. Try to stay out of the hustle and worry of the CS. Maybe I can get some things done. And maybe not. But I am going to try. And most people on here, they have a way to contact me if they so choose outside of here. But either way, I am ready to move on. I am ready to see what is out there. And I am ready for the life that I deserve.

Any hope at all....

How do you feel?
How do you see?
How do you dream?
How do you lie?
How do you look?
How do you feel?


If you looked at me, you would see a woman who tries so very hard to please the people around her. You might see a pretty girl, you might see an ugly one, but nonetheless you would see a woman who tries. If you looked at me, you would see a woman with green eyes, a slightly less desirable body than she once had, and blond hair. If you looked at me, you would see a mom who smiles a lot, a daughter who takes care of her parents, all the facts that make up my life.

But if you looked in me, you would see the truth. But you won’t ever look in me because you can’t stop looking at me.

_______________________________________________________________________

I came in the house today after my trip and I immediately logged onto the comp to do something I told someone I would do. Not paying attention to my surroundings. After I realized that I was on the comp for nothing, I began to settle into the house. I started looking around and it felt so empty. I looked around and all the pictures had been taken down. All of the mementos of vacations had been erased. Went to the closet, all of his clothes were gone. Empty hangars hanging on with all they had with no purpose.
I sat in my closet for a few minutes soaking everything in and a text message startled me back into reality. All it said was “I love you”. After that, another one and another one and another one. And the tears started rolling. All my friends knew I was coming home today. And they knew I needed this.
I have been walking around in a daze, the only sparing moments of that are me trying to lose myself in the CS. But even that has dwindled because… well we won’t go there.
It’s all fancy smoke and mirrors. I am really good at hiding how I feel.
It is so hard but I know it is so right.
How many times will I have to tell myself that before the pain goes away of losing ten years of my life?

Now I know in this video he left her. But it was just as hard for me to leave. And yesterday that is what happened. I got me and little man ready and I told him I couldn't do it anymore. It's been a long time coming. And I'm struggling a lot. As I sit in this hotel room I lean on my friends. I can't talk to him. As I told him I was leaving, that was the first bit of emotion he has showed me in two years. I just have to live better than that. I just pray for strength.

Today...

Walking through the door, I hear a sound of little feet running in.

My name, my wonderful name rolls off this tiny persons lip as he wraps his whole life around his mommy.

I could lose myself right here in this place if only…

Then I hear thuds. The shadow approaches as if it were a shadow of denial and hate wrapped into one.

I look and see the shoes that stomped out all my happiness. My eyes follow up and I see the hands that have stolen all my dreams. And last, I meet the eyes that have nothing for me anymore but still yearn to keep me for his own bidding.

Oh if I could only have stopped time.

Just for one more moment savored my joy. Held onto my life. Instead I feel my cheeks flushing with sadness, and the rain flooding in behind my heart.

To pretend is to ignore. To fake is to lose yourself. To smile though your heart is breaking is courageous only for another.

Amazing at it may seem...

How can the one person in your life that you chose to make a life with and procreate with and make the most beautiful thing in the world with.... the one person who you gave up everything for and asked nothing in return.... the one person you aim to please for ten years.... just not care about you at all? I know its possible for me to be loved. And I know he used to love me. But how can he decide one day that I dont matter. That now that he has all these friends that I am just a lowly wife who need not be heard and whose opinions dont count. At what point did i lose my role as his equal partner and become his lowly slave? and how come everything that he used to be to me he is not..

I wanted things to be the way they were. I wanted my best friend to be my lover and the amazing man that I fought for. But I cant always be the one remembering, I cant always be the one to hold down the fort, I cant always be the mom. Sometimes I want to be a woman. When did I stop being one? How it hurts to feel like this. How it hurts to not be able to show my true potential. All i am is your fantasy when you want it, and your secretary the other times.
I know I sound like a whiny bitch. But I can be everything to someone.. All im allowed to be right now is a nothing. When will i matter again? Why can another man see me and want instantly to know me... and yet the man I want to see me look right through me? Its over. He says it cant be over. But it is. He says what I want does not exist. Marriage is not that way. I say screw that.. i have found it. And if i can find it i know it can last through marriage. I dont understand why after seven years our marriage is the  reason you say it is lost. If that were the reason then why not after the first five. Why now?

Sorry just a rant... just me not understanding.

28

Another year down, another year passed.
This time last year at least I can say was different. I have progressed. Moved forward. Met people who have changed my life. And met some who did absolutely nothing but they were still just as vital. One of my favortie musicals "Rent" poses the question. How do you measure a year?
I measured mine by how much me and my son have grown to be a vital part of each other. Without me, he feels lost. And without him, i am equally as lost. He has shown me so much in his 3 years of life. But the best thing he has showed me was how much I could be loved. How much I deserved. And as i get older, he is teaching me more than i could ever have learned in school. As long as my years are filled with him and his love I can ask for nothing more than to make him grow into a wonderful young man. Because ever since his conception He has given me a purpose.
No matter where we go in life or how old we get, it is the kids that keep us young. I feel like a kid when I am with my son. I feel like the world is going to go on forever. And I feel like anything is possible. My hope for the next year of my life is that I can live with just as much as life as I did this last year. And I hope that I can lead him in the right direction in life or at least help him along the way. He is my life. And no matter how old I get, I will always take pride in my life.

Noone can see your tears through the rain...

The rain on my window slips slowly down. Almost as if it knows its absence would allow the world to see the truth. If the rain knows, then how can you be so blind?

My pen writes as fast as my heart is beating, and my mind flutters from period to period. Writing this letter is not out of spite, but out of surrender. I give to you all I can until little is left. With that little, I must resign myself to happiness. With any that I have left I must salvage my life. Lift my head high, look into the rain, and say “I need you no more”. I don’t want to hide. I want to be heard. I don’t want to be adored. I want to be respected.  I want to be loved,  but I would rather be free.

This was written a while back. i just recently found it. i was going through a very rough spot in my life. So glad I have grown from that place. Thats what life is all about, continuing to grow..

Find my way back to then.....

When I was younger, but not so long ago, I had so much going for me. And I think I have lost sight of that goal. I have lost sight of all those options becasue I have settled in life. I have not only settled in relationships but in all of life.
Recently, (and I dont know why) People from my past have come up to me and made statement like "what happened to you?" and "I would have never expected this to be your life". Well I became defensive everytime someone mentioned it because I thought of it as an insult. I have a cookie cutter, household life... Thats what everyone wants right... HAHA NO!
I look at the people who have said things and they were not meaning it to insult me, but yet it was almost like they were disappointed. I am by no means disappointed with my life. I have the most amazing son... Who makes me the happiest mother in the world.. And I live out on so much land that is paid for and a beautiful home. I work hard but my life is so simple. And right there is finally my answer that I have been looking for.. I dont do simple. I have never done simple. A friend commented about contentment in another post of mine. But contentment is happiness with where you are right now in life. And I am content in where I am right now.. But that does not mean I am happy to stay content. I have never been simple. I am a complex creature that loves the simple joys in life. But my life is not challenging me enough. Being a mother challenges me. But that is the only challenge I have. The rest of my life is so stagnant and it is starting to get where I cant even breathe. I am starting to be disappointed in myself for being content and not moving forward. I have been in the same place in my life for 7 years. And thats not living. And I will be DAMNED if I will live another day not living. So today is my change. Today is my move forward. Today is the day I show my son what true happiness and achieving all you want in life really means.

Time to Change...

Why is it when you meet or come to communicate with someone who is mentally stimulating or charming or whatever it is that you are looking for... You start to wonder what if? What if the grass is greener on their side? hmmm.. a thought..
I meet many a people from all over the world... Some are pricks, and some are interesting people who I come to trust and love. But meeting these people give me a different perspective on the world bc their life is alot different than mine. They were brought up in a different environment. It makes you think that there is something out there. Something more. But it also makes me think that I will be chasing forever. Always chasing for that happiness you know must be out there.. And I dont mean in just a person or just a thing. I mean life as a whole. You cant dive into a hobby enough to create pure happiness. You cant expect another person to give it to you either. It has to come from everything falling into place as it should for you. Perfect! But isnt that alot of pressure to put on the world to perform for you?

Wish you were here

Even when things are breaking down at my feet, I do not need to hear that it will all be ok. I just need a warm hug, a light kiss, time away.
Have you ever felt in life that words are just not enough? Saying I love you means nothing without the actions behind it. Saying I hate you means nothing if you still want that person around. Saying you are happy means nothing if you are crying in the shower where noone can hear. Its just a facade. We, as humans, say things and try to make others believe that things are a certain way. And sometimes we even want to convince ourselves. But deep inside things are completely different. Why are we afraid to tell people that our life is not as it should be? Lets say this, I dont believe that you should cheat on your spouse or anything. But I do not think bad of the people who do. Because if and when they do, they are keeping that facade. Trying to make family and friends happy while at the same time trying to fill a void. Whatever that void may be.. They feel the void so they want to fill it up with something. They take the romance, love, desire, need, want or anything else they feel and they look for it elsewhere. Alot of my friends tell me "if I am going to cheat i am going to tell my husband first and get a divorce". No you wont. Not if you have invested that much time into him and your family. You would rather be unhappy on the inside. But I want to be happy on the inside.
I am trying so hard to find a happy medium in life where i can be happy and those around can be happy. I have lived all my life constantly striving to make everyone around me happy. To the point of exhaustion and I look back on my life and the only person that truly loves me and cares if I am happy constantly is myself. Even my child (who is a mamas boy all the way and is my whole heart) does not care whether i have enough sleep as long as he gets his cartoons and his cereal in the morning. Noone is going to care about you until you care about you.
SO why stop there.... Why not go after everything you want? Maybe you dont find it one person... maybe you dont find it one thing... but is it really ok for you to spend this one life that you have being unhappy on the inside? Who cares what they say?
Goodnight....
Peace, Love and Caramel Coated Dreams

All I Need Is Love

There is hole inside every person. It needs to be filled just like an empty well. Without it being full it has not meaning. I want to have meaning. If i sit back and think about my life, it is one of pure beauty. I have a husband who would kill for me, a son who loves me unconditionally, a family that is so close noone could break our bond, and I can pay my bills. So why then am i needing more? What inside me longs for something else? Why then do i long to have a different life?
Simply put, it is because all that i have is not what i want. I always thought my life would be different. I would be the talented one who could live her dream and become someone in the world. I would see the world. I would live like no other. I would have a whirlwind romance. I would grow because it was my choice. Instead I am forced to grow into a woman I never thought I would be. I never thought of myself as the stressed out person I am today. I make myself sick over the silliest things. I know you don't love me but yet I pine for your attention. What is wrong with me? I ask myself often, if i were really in a different place would i be happy? Would I be the person I had always wanted to be? I can't honestly answer that question. I can't honestly say that my life would work out better. Maybe I would be looking for the life I have now. Maybe as humans we are preprogrammed to be unhappy. To always want is greener on the other side. Because we think just that. That the grass is always greener. But maybe when we get to the other pasture it will be just as brown as the one we are in. And then where do we go? Because we sure cant go back to the other pasture. Maybe we need that chase for the rest of our lives. Maybe we need that drama. Maybe we need that push to always have more. But then how will we ever be truly happy?
 Peace, love and caramel coated dreams!